Will You Be My Doula?
A good and necessary way women love each other
Leah from Blessed Endurance asked me to join her in a post on birth doulas, and I was honored. One of the things I love about Substack is getting to know other amateur (motivated by love) writers and discover other passions we share as well.
When you hear my story, you will learn that I didn’t set out to become a doula, but rather I found that in a particular season of my life (my twenties) I was simply well suited to this need that presented itself to me. Women in general are so good at this. (Sometimes, in negativity, we might compare it to the “whack-a-mole” game, but truly we are need-meeters.) And yet, it takes a certain maturity and grace to be able to say I’m not needed there anymore or I’m needed more elsewhere. And so, I by no means mean to pressure or imply that this role is not unique in its time and place. But it is timeless…
As Leah said, a doula is an unspeakable blessing in labor, as her sole purpose is to serve the mother (doula from the greek word “doulos” meaning slave), and if ever there was an opportune time to be served it is during childbirth, when it’s hard to communicate and every small act of kindness, honor or discretion adds richly to the memory of the experience. Birth is necessarily difficult, to say the least, and often traumatic. To have a woman whose mission is solely to be for you is just a gift you shouldn’t pass up.
(Sometimes the best way to help a woman is to help her husband. Once I just parked a car for the husband so he could be with his wife who was delivering quickly.)
I got started on this journey when I was single and my sister was expecting her first baby. She asked me to google the word “doula”. Would you be that for me? she asked. So I studied and learned all I could and the birth of that baby girl, Sally, was a wonderful experience for us both. She is almost ten years old now, and I’ve gone on to attend many more mamas as a doula, certified by DONA* in 2020. I share this story because I always want to encourage others to serve in this capacity for family or friends… anyone you feel comfortable with and who has a nursing-heart (a calm, not squeamish, hands-on kind of person) could be your doula. And if you are this sort of person and have a heart for mothers (and if you are in a time in life when you can have a flexible schedule), this is a wonderful, much-needed profession, although the kind that will always remain, despite the wage, predominately a ministry.
I have so many beautiful memories as a doula. Often on birthdays or at Christmas-time I’ll get texts from clients with pictures of their growing children. Thank you for being there. My mind will flash back to that night…
Walking the dark street with her so her husband could sleep. Following them to the hospital. Only 4 centimeters. I can’t do this.Yes you can; All is well! An hour of trying different positions. Can you come with me to the bathroom? She just wanted to stay in there awhile. It was quiet and safe, away from the monitors and “checks”. Her head was resting in my arms. We rocked and swayed and groaned. I’m using the bathroom, she said. That’s ok. I clean her. We do this awhile, who knows how long… her sounds change. We need to get in position, I say. Do we have to? You’re pushing! I am?! The joy spreads over her. She had fully submitted to the seemingly endless climb, but she made it through, and the adrenaline of the next phase made her laugh through the exhaustion.
All this, remembered, in the face of a three year old little boy, the pain of whose birth is now a continual source of blessing to the world. What an honor it was for me to be there in the advent of his life, sympathy groaning in the hospital bathroom!
And now as a mother, as I’ve held my own red newborns, I marvel and praise God that I was also similarly held just minutes earlier, by a woman. Come sisters, let us be doulas to one another.
(During this birth of our second baby, I was blessed to have two doulas, a rich woman indeed!)
* I wish I could recommend DONA now, but recently they have embraced gender-neutral language, like chest-feeding and birthing-person. Sadly, I can’t abide by this myself and so have not continued to pay my dues.
My favorite part of this beautiful piece was this simple exchange:
"her sounds change. We need to get in position, I say."
When the sounds change, a nurse says, "I need to check you (digitally examine your cervix)." A husband might say, "Are you OK?" But a doula knows both what the change in sounds means, and how to handle the natural progression with hope and excitement, not fear.
Thank you so much for working on this along with me!
What a wonderful calling, Sarah! God bless you for the support you give birthing moms! Our three children were born in the 1970s when husbands were becoming participants in the process and LaMaze was popular. It worked very well for me, but to have another advocate and supporter would have been helpful--especially when I transitioned quickly for our second child, about 5:15 in the morning. Our nurse was the only staff person on the OB ward that night (why I don't remember), and she didn't call the obstetrician soon enough. For a minute or two I huffed and puffed alone on the delivery table, while the nurse and my husband put on scrubs for delivery. She told him, "I may need your help!" But she was able to reach a doctor in ER, who quickly came upstairs and delivered our baby at 5:28. Thankfully, our daughter arrived with no complications and all was well. But another person certainly would have been welcome THAT morning!